By now…

My son was born in December and I returned to work full time (outside the home) in February.  Lately there have been a lot of “by nows” in my life and it seems like the list just keeps on growing and growing, either from things I feel myself or from things other people have said to me. Today has been a great day, but I found myself thinking of all of the below on my drive home from work, not in an overwhelmed kind of way, but a more analytical view. Perhaps if I had a shorter commute I would have less time to think about as much.

By now I shouldn’t be feeling like I should have it all together. Do you all have “it” together? No one has it together.

By now I should be sleeping more frequently.

By now he should be sleeping through the night.

By now I should be feeding him three solid-food meals a day.

By now I should be making time for family dinners.

By now I should be able to find the time to cook daily.

By now I should be used to only having three hours a day to spend with my son.

By now my house should not have clutter laying around leftover from maternity leave chaos.

By now I shouldn’t have piles of paperwork sitting on the dining room table.

By now I should be able to see my dining room table and put away all the baby gear laying on top.

By now I should be doing laundry on a regular basis.

By now I should have switched to cloth diapers.

By now I should be able to get up at 4am and leave the house at 5am to be at work by 6am as scheduled.

By now I should be able to make my lunch for each day.

By now I should be able to dry my hair instead of pull it back each day.

By now I should have tried to put my son in a back-carry in the baby carrier.

By now I should have tried to put him in a restaurant highchair instead of his carseat.

By now I should be able to take a night off to myself.

By now I should be able to go for a run after he goes to sleep.

By now I should be able to watch a tv show before giving up and going to bed.

By now I should be able to feel like my husband and I are still in this together.

By now I should feel like the new-mom fog is lifting.

By now I should have printed out photos for his room.

By now I should have started writing in his baby book.

By now I should not be attached to the video monitor while he’s sleeping.

By now I should be able to have more good days in a row than bad.

By now I should feel like I’m doing better than just hanging on by a thread.

By now I should be able to stop being so hard on myself.

 

 

I’d love to list all of the ways that I actually do feel like things are improving, but, well, I’m exhausted and I’m going to bed!

 

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3 thoughts on “By now…

  1. I’m just getting caught up on your blog. Guuuuurrl, you hit it on the head, by now (with an almost 3 year old and 6 year old) I should be doing/have done all of those things, too. But I haven’t, really. I think you are entering the stage where your lens changes. You may still be looking at things from how you expected it to be rather than the reality of what it is. The other thing I’ve always struggled with is comparing myself to other moms. They all seem to have all of their shit together so well and, by the way, have lost all their baby weight and*WTF* MORE!!!??? After child number two and three years later I’m finally starting to realize this is me. This is my body. This is my house. This is my life. I am who I am and I can do what I can to improve upon it, but I’m never going to be anyone else. It seems so cliche, but it is so true. Even the best version of myself will never be someone else, so I need to appreciate the best I can to as just that. I don’t know. What can I say, girl. It’s hard and it does get easy/better, but sometimes it gets harder and not so better again, too. Motherhood is very bipolar.

    1. Bipolar is a perfect way to describe it. Comparing myself to others has to stop, too. It’s so easy to do when everyone else seems to have it all together. But they don’t either. Thanks for this, it’s nice to hear it’s not just me!

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